Eskewpades

BEARDED BLUES BY STEVE ESKEW A run-of-the-mill scatterbrained hair dyer Well, I did it again. I answered the door and frightened a masked man out of his skin, a masked FED-EX man, that is. After weeks of wearing a white beard, I had finally managed to get a beard dye. I forgot that I had applied the dye and answered the door with a very dark, wet beard instead of the pandemic mask I’ve so religiously insisted upon. Shucks, this was no isolated incident concerning this particular   period of isolation. Over the years, I’ve sent many a stranger at my door howling away in terror. Duh, I keep forgetting that I’ve applied my beard dye, turning my normally beautiful face into a very scary sight. Realizing that I’m forever cursed to be a scatterbrain, I can’t blame a memory malfunction. For example, as a movie buff, I can recall the names and personal histories of even the most obscure film actors by the dozen. So why have I developed a mental block when it comes to s

AUNTIE CHARTREUSE BY STEVE ESKEW Right before social distancing became a must, I sat at a birthday party in a senior center with my short, chubby, cherub-faced Aunt Chartreuse. Sheʼs 84. The birthday boy was her frisky cousin Fred whoʼd just turned 97. As Fred blew and blew and blew at the one and only candle on the cake, I asked Aunt Chartreuse if she planned to indulge in a piece of it. “No way. Iʼm trying to cut down on saliva,” she deadpanned. “Thatʼs an old line, but then Iʼm an old broad.” With that witty little retort, she was sneaking in a small sample of her standup comedy act. Possessing a natural talent for rhythm and timing, Auntie Chartreuse, whose real name is Minerva, started her standup act after she turned 70. Nicknamed Chartreuse when she was a girl “because I was so loud,” the handle stuck. When she grew up, she graduated from loud to loquacious. But nowadays as soon as she realizes that sheʼs been “rattling the gums” too long, she swiftly interr